Norman is my favorite gas station tweaker, which is why I'm compiling a list of the best Norman moments, as well as partially explaining why they're my favorites. This list will include ridiculously mundane feats as well as his stranger arcs.
Norman having a psychotic break and getting naked in the thunderbolts basement while fantasizing about being president
"Always the same. I have to do everything myself.
Can't rely on anyone these days. All too busy reading about dying pop stars and iron mans pants. You two! Report to the quartermaster and get yourself a pair of dresses, on the double!
I always knew it'd come down to this. I always have to be the man.
Good old Norman Osborn. He’ll bail us out. He'll save the day. He'll be the hero.
Norman will make the hard choices, Norman has no feelings. Norman will make the girl pregnant and snap her neck in public. Norman wont mind. Norman will do what it takes. Norman will take care of everything, don’t you lift a damn finger to help or, god forbid, do your damn job. There's a space monster and a mad swordsman loose in the base– shall we trust the high security complement and the team of superhumans to deal with it? Oh, no. lets make a complete dog’s breakfast of the whole operation so Norman has to clean things up. I'm a fricking martyr to my own innate heroism, is what I am. Norman Osborn. America’s last hero. Thats what i am. One day I'm going to run the country, and do you think anyone will appreciate me then? Of course they won’t. Of course they won’t. It'll be 'Excuse me Mister President Osborn sir, I don't have the strength to take out my own garbage, can you do it for me?' Thats what it'll be like. 'President Osborn! I'd love to be able to do anything competently, but my family tree looks like 2 yard sticks jutting out of a dead racoon.'
Hitler never had this kind of trouble, people just always did what he asked.. Must have been nice.
Ah I'm so glad I never washed this particular costume, it smells like death, blondes and victory. Maybe this could be my presidential uniform. Do presidents have uniforms? I suppose not. Still, since I'd be the president, I could do what I want, really. I'd rewrite all this superhuman legislation junk, I'll tell you that for nothing. 'Are you a self-proclaimed superhero?' 'aw, shucks, sir, i sure am a regular guy in bad underpants who fights crime without any understanding of how the world works, yes.' 'excellent, i send you now to a concentration camp where you will be sterilised, lobotomised, tenderised, and pastuerised.' 'so says president goblin!'. Actually, that's a bit more doctor doom, isn't it? Still, the ideas sound.
Note to self: give naked dictation more often. The ideas seem to flow more freely.
Now, lets take care of business. And then, i think, i shall viciously beat some complete strangers at random. Theyre bound to have done something to deserve it at some point, after all.
Swordsman, swordsman.. What shall we do with you? Aside from kill you, of course. Of course I have to kill you. Its what the little people expect me to do. This is how I display my heroism."
Can't rely on anyone these days. All too busy reading about dying pop stars and iron mans pants. You two! Report to the quartermaster and get yourself a pair of dresses, on the double!
I always knew it'd come down to this. I always have to be the man.
Good old Norman Osborn. He’ll bail us out. He'll save the day. He'll be the hero.
Norman will make the hard choices, Norman has no feelings. Norman will make the girl pregnant and snap her neck in public. Norman wont mind. Norman will do what it takes. Norman will take care of everything, don’t you lift a damn finger to help or, god forbid, do your damn job. There's a space monster and a mad swordsman loose in the base– shall we trust the high security complement and the team of superhumans to deal with it? Oh, no. lets make a complete dog’s breakfast of the whole operation so Norman has to clean things up. I'm a fricking martyr to my own innate heroism, is what I am. Norman Osborn. America’s last hero. Thats what i am. One day I'm going to run the country, and do you think anyone will appreciate me then? Of course they won’t. Of course they won’t. It'll be 'Excuse me Mister President Osborn sir, I don't have the strength to take out my own garbage, can you do it for me?' Thats what it'll be like. 'President Osborn! I'd love to be able to do anything competently, but my family tree looks like 2 yard sticks jutting out of a dead racoon.'
Hitler never had this kind of trouble, people just always did what he asked.. Must have been nice.
Ah I'm so glad I never washed this particular costume, it smells like death, blondes and victory. Maybe this could be my presidential uniform. Do presidents have uniforms? I suppose not. Still, since I'd be the president, I could do what I want, really. I'd rewrite all this superhuman legislation junk, I'll tell you that for nothing. 'Are you a self-proclaimed superhero?' 'aw, shucks, sir, i sure am a regular guy in bad underpants who fights crime without any understanding of how the world works, yes.' 'excellent, i send you now to a concentration camp where you will be sterilised, lobotomised, tenderised, and pastuerised.' 'so says president goblin!'. Actually, that's a bit more doctor doom, isn't it? Still, the ideas sound.
Note to self: give naked dictation more often. The ideas seem to flow more freely.
Now, lets take care of business. And then, i think, i shall viciously beat some complete strangers at random. Theyre bound to have done something to deserve it at some point, after all.
Swordsman, swordsman.. What shall we do with you? Aside from kill you, of course. Of course I have to kill you. Its what the little people expect me to do. This is how I display my heroism."
You could tell that this wasn't just the classic "insane person spews nonsense" trope we're so used to, everything he said was so well articulated that you know he is all there, it just happens to be that all of his ideas are so deeply insane that he's clearly been off the wagon since the start.
Truly one of the most amazing ways they could've showed Norman snapping.
The Multiple Times He Straight Up Bit Someone
After Norman was arrested in Civil War: Front line #8 for shooting someone in broad daylight (he didn't do it, he swears!), they had to muzzle him because he bit the guy arresting him. He knew it wouldn't free him, and he never goes for a fatal bite, it's always just the hand or arm. He just did it to ruin the guy's day, I love that about him.
On the topic of Osborn: Evil Incarcerated, I also found it really funny that through the entire comic his waves looked nasty as hell and then they looked fine when he turned himself in. I very firmly believe he broke out just to get them re-done.
idk what to title this one
I love how this scene makes it very apparent that he doesn't know how to have a normal conversation so he just makes a 30Rock reference (which didn't land because everyone at the table was 12). Norman paraphrasing the scene so poorly seems to imply that its been a while since he saw that scene but it stuck with him for some reason anyway. He definitely seems like a Jack Donaghy fan.
Wiped sweat off Bullseye's face and then licked it
Self explanatory. Why did he choose this as his intimidation tactic? Why did it work?
This was a scene from Thunderbolts #110 and it definitely did its job setting a precedent for what kind of insanity to expect from Norman as leader of the T-bolts.
Became a Super-Adaptoid
A super-adaptoid is essentially someone who gains the power of anyone they make physical contact with, and it gets explained that Norman had become one so he could stand a change against the avengers after he got out of prison, but they explained this AFTER New Avengers (2010) #20 when he grabbed Luke Cage by the head and bowled him like a baseball. The few comics before they explained why he could do this were absolute gold, in my opinion. Sometimes I wish they never explained it- I enjoyed thinking he just did that because he wantedto.
Became a Super-Adaptoid
A super-adaptoid is essentially someone who gains the power of anyone they make physical contact with, and it gets explained that Norman had become one so he could stand a change against the avengers after he got out of prison, but they explained this AFTER New Avengers (2010) #20 when he grabbed Luke Cage by the head and bowled him like a baseball. The few comics before they explained why he could do this were absolute gold, in my opinion. Sometimes I wish they never explained it- I enjoyed thinking he just did that because he wanted
to.
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